


How To Not Be A Team-Killer

by Optronix



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Funny, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-12
Updated: 2015-05-12
Packaged: 2018-03-30 03:58:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3922045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Optronix/pseuds/Optronix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Caboose vents decides to write a short manual on how not to kill your teammates. Neither is it helpful nor does it get good reviews from his fellows after Donut posts it to the notice board before breakfast. Tucker had to tack up extra pieces of paper for the comments section.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How To Not Be A Team-Killer

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Red VS Blue.  
> Rated for swearing.

NOTICE BOARD UPDATE: 0630  
FLAGGED: IMPORTANT - MUST READ  
AUTHORIZATION: PRIVATE DONUT  
TITLE: How To Not Be A Team-Killer  
WRITTEN BY: Captain Michael J. Caboose 

1\. In the first place, you don’t want to accidently shoot your friend with your gun because sometimes when you’re not looking, they get in the way and get angry when somehow a bullet gets stuck in their shoulder.

2\. Yet sometimes they don’t yell at you if you only almost shoot them. Almost shooting is okay. Church almost shoots me all the time and that’s okay because he’s my best friend ever. I know he’s not going to hurt me. Ever. Because he’s my best friend and best friends don’t hurt each other because they are best friends. I like Church and I like me.

3\. Likewise, Red Team doesn’t like to be killed either because Donut keeps getting team-killed by Agent Washingtub; though Wash is kinda on Blue team, he’s also kinda not, so it’s hard to decide if I should be afraid of him or not...

4\. Over at Red Base right now, Sarge is yelling at Grif again. Sarge is a scary old guy who used to be a pirate. He’s always telling us how he wants to kill Grif or that it’s okay for Grif to die because he doesn’t have a best friend; but the smart one is his best friend. They like each other. A lot. I know. They are bestest friends and the smart one would be sad if Grif was team-killed by Sarge. I hope he isn’t team killed by Sarge. Everyone would be sad. Except Tucker because Tucker doesn’t have a best friend. I don’t like Tucker.

5\. Sarge is a team-killer in this case. because one time, he made Grif climb up on top of their base when they saw we had power and they didn’t. Smart Red Guy was really scared when Sarge started throwing grenades at Grif to blow up the stuff blocking their power. OH! I remember now! Smart Red is Simmons! Simmons was very worried about his best friend Grif. Grif fell when the stuff blew up. It was Sarge’s fault. He was sad Grif wasn’t team-killed. Simmons was happy Grif didn’t die.

6\. So then the next thing you need to know to not be a team-killer is don’t be like the mean scary lady, Mrs. McCrabby. She’s really mean and sometimes tells me to go away because she doesn’t like me. She also thinks she can be best friends with Church and she can’t because Church can only have one best friend and that’s me! Anyway, the scary lady, Texas, she likes to shoot at the Reds and Tucker. She tries to kill them a lot. She also kicked the Reds and Tucker’s butts really bad at that place with all the buttons. I like buttons.

7\. Afterwards Tex got team-killed by Wash and the Meta. The Meta is a really, really scary guy that took all the other Freelancer’s little floaty friends and the stuff that makes them really scary. That made the Meta super scary. Meta is the worse team-killer ever. He has this gun...knife...thingy that tries to kill people. No one wants to be team-killed by him. Washington told Doc once that he was going to let the Meta eat him. I don’t think he eats people. I think he eats nails with butter so he can swallow them without choking.

8\. It’s really easy to see that being a team-killer is bad. I like one time when I met Agent Washingtub, someone, who wasn’t me, accidently shot this one guy named Jones. He died and I didn’t team-kill him because that’s bad. Wash took me to see my best friend! The other guy whose name I can’t remember now was team-killed by someone else. Not me. 

9\. Basically, don’t be a mean person and kill all your friends. No one likes to be lonely and sad and with no friends for the rest of their lives. Kinda like Agent Texas. She was really sad because all of her friends are dead. Church doesn’t count because he’s a computer program. Plus he was my friend first. I like him more anyway.

10\. All in all, don’t be a team-killer. That’s really bad and really mean and something I don’t ever do because Tucker did it. Tucker is a bad friend.

COMMENTS SECTION:  
Caboose, this is the shittiest list of “ways not to be a team-killer” ever. You shouldn’t even write these because all you do is team kill you team-killing fucktard! Also, I’m a lover, not a fighter, so I’ve ever been a team-killer! -Tucker

No kidding, Caboose. You killed me like, twenty times. You’ve almost killed everyone you’ve ever met that many times! -Church (written by Carolina)

How did you guys find my secret journal? I hide it somewhere secret. -Caboose

Giving it to Donut isn’t a secret, Caboose. Everybody in Armonia knows about this now because Donut posted this on the notice board this morning. Sometimes I feel bad for how stupid you are, and then I smell french fries so I get over it. -Grif

Why am I even reading what this idiot wrote? It’s not important. -Carolina

For the same reason everyone else read it, because we’re that bored as fuck at seven in the morning on a Tuesday. -Washington

I found this to be extremely informative and a great read from the greatest captain ever: Captain Caboose. Thank you for writing this, Sir! -Andersmith

If they missed it here, I’m pretty sure everyone has seen the digital eCopy I sent them. I made sure to put it in their inboxes so they would read it and flagged it “super important”. -Matthews

This is what everyone’s talking about this morning? Damn you guys really need to get a life. I mean, I have a life. A life full of chicks! Bow chicka bow wow! -Tucker  
No one likes a fucking kiss-ass, Matthews! -Grif

You’re all idiots for wasting your time on this shit and do not encourage Caboose to write ever again. Bad things happen when Caboose uses what’s left of his brain. -Church (written by Carolina)

Aww, it’s so nice to see someone else remembering all the sad times. If Grif had only died properly the first eighty-three times, I’d be a happy man. Does anyone know where Grif is? We could try for eighty-four! -Sarge

No. -Kimball

Sir, Grif is currently in the mess hall, but I wouldn’t recommend trying to kill him right now. It wouldn't end well. You know what he’s like when he’s interrupted while eating. It’s a very scary ordeal. Once he tried to eat my hand! It was horrifying. Also watching him eat is like watching a tornado rampage through Kansas during a county fair - fucking terrifying! -Simmons

I’m so glad everyone’s getting along! This makes me so happy! I knew you guys liked each other! -Donut

Why is anyone still reading this? -Washington

Sometimes I like to write letters to myself and pretend it’s from my sweetheart back home. -Palomo

A) That’s pathetic and B) I fucking hate you, Palomo. -Tucker

Sometimes I try to braid my hair and it gets stuck in my teeth and I choke on it for a long time and I stop breathing. Does that count as being a team-killer? -Jensen

Simmons, you could have picked the hot cheerleader... -Grif

She made me nervous! What was I supposed to do?! -Simmons

Find someone who didn’t choke on their own spit. -Bitters

Exactly. Thank you, Bitters. -Grif

Everyone get to training. I’m sick of waiting for everyone. So if anyone comments after this, double dish duty. Two weeks. Four if you’re Tucker. -Washington

You’re such an asshole, Wash. A fucking asshole. -Tucker.

And you just earned yourself a month of mess hall clean-up, Tucker. Enjoy. -Washington

FUCK YOU. -Tucker.

**Author's Note:**

> Please review! I only seek to entertain and grow as a writer!  
> ~Nix


End file.
